I would like to state now before I go into this that I adore the NHS and this is by no means me complaining about the NHS, I myself am proudly an NHS staff member, but there is a bigger picture. The bigger picture being that things are getting missed, compassion burn out is prevalent in professionals and there is a national issue with maternity care. I am here to tell my story not to scare anyone but I am here to raise awareness.
It's been 268 days since Christmas day 2022. But it doesn't feel like Christmas day anymore, to us, it's Felix's birthday and the day he left this world. It's been a whirlwind and the longest slog. August I began my new job working for Macmillan and I have stayed within the same trust I was working in before. If you don't know me or are new to our story I worked as a Neonatal nursey nurse for 6 years before we lost our son. Felix was born in the maternity unit next door. I tried my best to go back to work there but unfortunately a trauma so damaging associated with that part of the hospital was leaving me an anxious wreck every day. So with a heavy heart and a scared soul I left and have started a totally different career path albeit still supporting others in their darker days just in a different way. I am enjoying it and have been extremally lucky that my new colleagues have all been really understanding and frequently ask about Felix and allow me to share my son without making me feel like an alien. So after a lot of worry, I can safely say I made the right decision for me and my family.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like yesterday. I was doing my usual things, house work, procrastinating and scrolling Instagram. I noticed it was the second day now I was feeling sick and really sleepy. Albeit not too unusual when I was battling the aftermath of near death from a COVID-19 infection, a story for another day I'm sure. After reading a post on Instagram about women's cycles, classic Instagram, I started to think my period will be due soon. I must add sanitary towels to my shopping list. But wait, my trusty calendar is telling me I'm a week late? That can't be right considering me and Tom have barley touched each other let alone did any baby making other than two occasions this month especially with me being so unwell. I remembered the old pregnancy test I had in the back of my bathroom drawers I'd had in there for months. Best just check, just incase, but I'm sure I'm just late.
They say that where there is despair, there is also hope; where there is darkness, there is also light; and where there is sadness, there is also joy. Even now, 5 months following Felix’s passing, there is still the beauty of his brightness in my eye. The glimmer that his short life has had in bringing about positive change. Felix has helped to show us the incredible value of family and of friendship; the perseverance of pulling together and being there for one another, he is our true star.
Honestly if someone told me I'd be starting a website at 28 years old about my son, Felix, passing away and how we are navigating life without him I would of laughed you out of the room. But here we are. This is for all the loss parents, grandparents, friends, colleagues, strangers on the internet and everyone and anyone affected by baby loss. I'm sorry you're here but thank you for being here. Let's smash some of that taboo on talking about baby loss.
