268 days - A life update.

It's been 268 days since Christmas day 2022. But it doesn't feel like Christmas day anymore, to us, it's Felix's birthday and the day he left this world. It's been a whirlwind and the longest slog. August I began my new job working for Macmillan and I have stayed within the same trust I was working in before. If you don't know me or are new to our story I worked as a Neonatal nursey nurse for 6 years before we lost our son. Felix was born in the maternity unit next door. I tried my best to go back to work there but unfortunately a trauma so damaging associated with that part of the hospital was leaving me an anxious wreck every day. So with a heavy heart and a scared soul I left and have started a totally different career path albeit still supporting others in their darker days just in a different way. I am enjoying it and have been extremally lucky that my new colleagues have all been really understanding and frequently ask about Felix and allow me to share my son without making me feel like an alien. So after a lot of worry, I can safely say I made the right decision for me and my family. 

I have had hundreds of messages via our Instagram page and via email on here. I cannot tell you you all just how much it means, having our son acknowledged and loved. But mainly I feel really privileged that so many of you feel open and safe enough to share your story or experience of baby loss with me. I never take it for granted and save a space in my heart for each and every message. I see who is there. I am planning on continuing updating the baby names wall on here so please do comment / email / Instagram me your babies names so I can put them on our page here.  

As promised I would share our journey following baby loss and am aware I haven't been able to do an update on this in a couple of months, life of the multitasker, so I want to do this here. Following us having two early miscarriages in March and July this year we have really thankfully been referred to Tommy's Miscarriage clinic. They have a few different hospital sites up and down the country and our nearest is London. We had an initial appointment last month where we went through medical history, Felix's story and and losses we have had recently. I cannot fault the doctor we met who shared great empathy and professionalism. Someone to actively listen to my concerns and action them was immense. So to cut a long story short the decision is to make more investigations into Felix's death as there are a lot of question marks around it and it was reliving for a health professional to acknowledge that finally. I'm booked in in October for a huge amount of tests and scans, a day out in London at least, to hopefully find out what is going on. Tom has booked us into a fancy lunch place to that day so we can make it into a nice memory too. Then going forward we see them again in November for results and a plan. We feel sad that it's now coming up to a year since we lost our boy as well as it being way over a year since we fell pregnant. Our ache to become parents seems to grow stronger and stronger every day. 

We are in the process of planning some kind of fundraising even for Felix's birthday but still thinking of ideas so if anyone has any that would be brilliant! I would also love to have some guests on the blog too maybe to share their story or anything else they would like to share I would love that so please do get in touch via email or on the Instagram. 

All my love and light to all the babies who couldn't stay, 

Beth (Felix's mama ) x